Oh VH1, how do you do it? How do you constantly come up with shows that speak directly to my soul and tear down the walls around my bitter heart one brick at a time? Latest obsession: Confessions of a Teen Idol. Now usually, Celebreality shows involve such deep levels of fuckery and shenanigans, you can't help but hear your genitals (and brain cells) cry a little as you watch. CoaTI (yeah, you like that) is no exception. If you haven't seen this shitfest of desperation, put down your fresca and go set the DVR now! In the spirit of all things Pop Cultrure Kamikaze, time to list who on the cast you'd let go to Narnia... Aaaand by Narnia, I mean put it in balls deep.
- Bill Hufsey - This one might take a half dozen LIT's and perhaps a roofie colada. Sorry, man... I'm not into the whole guywhocanstilldosplitsthatpreviouslyhadamullet thing.
- Adrian Zmed - Now this might not be so hard for me. Ah, who am I kidding, he could give me a pearl necklace by just reinacting his oscar-worthy performance in Grease 2. 'Nuff said.
- Jamie Walters - No, Ray... You shoved Donna down the stairs. I will never let you touch my flower! I don't care how many times you sing 'Hold On' or 'How Do You Talk to an Angel' to me! (P.S. Crest Whitestrips. Get them. Now.)
- Jeremy Jackson - Really? You're only 28? Really? Homeboy needs to call the Hoff to get his radiant beauty secrets. Also, I'd let him hit it from behind if the lights were off. (I think I just died a little inside typing that.)
- Eric Nies - Oh Eric... Back on The Grind and Spring Break XX (pretty much any 90s year), I felt we had a real connection. Now you're all barefoot 23.5 hours a day and put your own urine in your hair.I will say this - If you could make my hair as soft and shiny as yours, I'd let you golden shower me anyday. Perhaps that could be our foreplay along with you giving me my daily Grind workout to Marky Mark's Good Vibrations.
- David Chokachi - Shut your fucking whiney, gorgeous mouth just long enough to consent to letting me ride you senseless. Do I remember you on Baywatch? Hell no. Do I still want you to violate me on a beach in a red bathing suit? You bet your grandma, I do!
- Chris Atkins - Chris, you are the hottest piece on the show. Sure we watch you give yourself microderm abrasion treatments to correct your wrinkles, but you were on mother fucking Blue Lagoon! Oh my oceanic hott piece, I'll let you explore my blue lagoon's anyday... (Betcha didn't see that one coming, did you?)
And FINALLY, the tasties piece of man candy on the show? The person most worthy of making me think terribly naughty thoughts while questioning my entire childhood?